Posts Tagged with Decision-making

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Your Ideal vs. Your Reality: Balancing the Two

As humans, we seek a higher purpose, meaning and guidance. What is the meaning of life? Who or what can show us the way? We like to know what the end game looks like and our role and purpose in the big picture.

Although there is no book with official steps on living life, society has established ideals which emphasize how things should be. As these translate into norms and are reinforced around us, they influence our vision for our path. Ultimately, we align our lives to meet society’s expectations. Looking around, and in my own life, examples of this are easy to find.

The Ideal.  Ideals are what we aspire to achieve in life and they drive us.  “If only I had _____, I would be (happier, more successful etc.).” There is always something out of reach that we seek and conclude will provide some type of satisfaction.  How do we come to this conclusion? We adopt what we hear and see around us, including what society deems “acceptable” or “right.”  For example, society’s path to a “good life” is a good education, a good job, a family and house with a white picket fence.  We hear this from family, teachers, guidance counselors, college professors, employers etc. If this idea is so pervasive, how can it not be true?  Once we subscribe to it ourselves, we adapt our own path based on decisions and actions that are confined to outside judgment, meeting other people’s expectations, seeking approval and keeping up appearances.

The Plan. In order to meet our ideals, we outline a plan to make it happen. We believe that if we take these steps, exactly as planned, we’ll get what we want. Again, society says this is the path everyone should take so why wouldn’t it work for you? This process gives our lives the meaning we incessantly crave. Each day, we wake up knowing our why. By taking each outlined step, we believe we’re working to achieve our ideals and our ultimate purpose. We’re convinced that we’ll get what we want and there’s rarely a thought that things won’t go as planned.

The Reality.  Meanwhile, life is happening and it has its own idea of how things will unfold.  This can manifest in a variety of ways: plans going awry, discovering considerations that weren’t included in the plan, unexpected issues showing up, factors that can’t be controlled for taking their own course, etc. These impediments throw off our plan and can postpone or permanently keep us from reaching our ideals.

 

 

Where does this leave us?  It creates a gap between the reality and the ideal. Society rarely prepares us for such disruptions. We’re left with a plan that is no longer effective since it doesn’t account for any of the curve balls. We no longer have the meaning our plan gave us, and we’re lost without clarity on how to navigate toward our ideals.

Since we didn’t account for things not going as planned, panic sets in. There is no way this can’t work! I can’t let it fail! Let me roll up my sleeves and fix it real-time. I’m going to focus on how I can get it back on track.  I can’t imagine it not working out as envisioned and planned. Any alternate solution is “bad.”

What manifests is intense focus to repair, fix, prevent, and control to get things “right” and reduce the probability of failure (think Six Sigma on steroids). Our reaction is in response to not reaching our personal plan, but more often than not, we act out of fear of failing in front of the world. Failure means we won’t achieve the ideals society says we should have; and we fear outside judgment, not meeting other people’s expectations, not obtaining approval and not being able to keep up appearances.

I’ve been down this path many times and after reflecting on a recent instance, I have some new insight on making it more manageable and less exasperating.

There is no tragedy, only the unavoidable. Everything has its reason for being: you only need to distinguish what is temporary from what is lasting. What is temporary?… The unavoidable… and what is lasting?… The lessons of the unavoidable.  — Paulo Coelho

Here’s how you can handle the gap between your ideals and your reality better:
  • Revisit your premise. Your premise for this entire undertaking is that you think this is what you should be doing, is right and will not lead to failure. And this is all attributed to the meaning assigned by society or you. Whose meaning is the truth or final? Arguably, neither is right, how things should be or will guarantee certain outcomes.  But you define the meaning and believe it to be true; the only reason it has power is because you give it power.  If this approach and belief system doesn’t serve you, you should stop subscribing to it.
  • Don’t label things good or bad. Whether something is good or bad is subjective and depends on who you ask. Would it be bad if half of all the money in the world disappeared?  Those with extravagant lifestyles would probably care, but those who already live modestly probably wouldn’t care as much. Let things be, without being good or bad.
  • Don’t add stress or pressure.  Even if the situation seems malleable, that doesn’t mean you need to add stress and pressure.  A rubber band is flexible, but if you continuously pull it or pull it too far, it will snap. Sometimes it is better to do nothing. Leave it alone. Don’t question or try to associate meaning. Give things space to breathe.
  • Accept the reality and what happened. What happened happened and it is in the past. Don’t obsess about it, be stuck in it or be held hostage by it.
  • Appreciate situations for what they are. Focus on the lessons the past gave you and be grateful for what you have today. You’re better positioned now due to your lessons and experience.
  • Embrace the power of now. Take advantage of the present and take action to create positive opportunities. Create your own life the way you want it to be today. Your life today is important and I’d argue more important than any ideal life you aspire to have.

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Do you come across gaps between your ideals and your reality? How do you balance the two? Have you tried any of the suggestions above? How have they worked for you? I’d love to hear your perspective!

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Mindset Is Everything: Believe and Achieve

Getting started can be so hard!  You know what you want to do and you know why, but taking the first step can be daunting. You create stories in your head of how things are and will be. These stories, combined with fear, self-doubt etc., cause paralysis and you take no action.

I’ve been wanting to run a race for a while.  But I hadn’t taken the steps to sign up and begin training.

A couple of months ago, I learned about an upcoming race and thought:

Why not now? Why not sign up for this race?  After all, it is only a 5K!

The race was a for a good a cause with the Back on My Feet (BOMF) organization. All the proceeds from the race would help provide support to BOMF’s services to improve the self-sufficiency of those experiencing homelessness.  I also looked up the weather as the time got closer and saw the high would be in the 70s!  Of course that wouldn’t be the temperature when the race started at 8 AM but this was a plus for the early part of spring (and because I’m not a fan of the cold).

I signed up.  I ran more frequently to train for the big day but I wasn’t following a formal training plan. It had been years since I ran the one-miler in high school so I knew I had to put in some work to prepare.

The Friday before the race, I went to the website to get last minute information.  That’s when I realized the race was a 5-miler and not a 5K! I had to process that…  How did I miss this before?! Did I let my wishful thinking trump the reality?! There wasn’t much I could do at that point.  I definitely wasn’t going to train for a 5-miler overnight but I still planned to participate in the race.

Mindset is Everything

I focused on my mindset. I told myself that it was better to learn about the 5-miler the day before the race versus on the day of the race. Imagine knowing you’ve reached the 5K distance but everyone is running beyond it and now you have no idea where the finish line is. I was grateful for not being in that situation.  I told myself I could complete 5 miles.  I hadn’t been training for that distance but I had previous runs around the city that were just under 5 miles.

Believe and Achieve

Race day arrived. After forgetting my headphones and going back home to get them, I arrived just in time for the race to start.  The first mile was fine.  Then we got to a steep incline.  I tried to push myself and stopped midway to walk.  Once back on leveled ground, I saw parents with strollers pass me by.  I used that as my motivation.  I couldn’t have all of them pass me! I continued to push through.  During the second half of the race, I saw a sign that said “Believe and Achieve.” This helped me finish the last two miles strong.

Here are my final stats:

  • Gun Time – 48:30
  • Chip Time – 47:14
  • Pace – 9:27
  • Placed 574 overall out of a total of 1192 runners (men and women)
  • Placed 110 out of a total of 258 women in my age group
  • Placed 283 out of a total of 706 women across all ages

My results surprised me!  Once I realized this was a 5-miler, I thought it would take me at least one hour to finish. So anything short of that was awesome!  I also googled what a “good” pace is for a 5-miler and learned that a pace in the 8:00 range is good and for a professional runner, 4:00 to 5:00 is good.  All things considering, being in the 9-minute range wasn’t terrible.  I didn’t think I had any of my running abilities left after competing in high school so many years ago!  This was when I realized that achieving anything and exploring what’s possible starts with my mindset.

What if…?

I reflected on my experience.  I accomplished something I didn’t even set out to do.  What if I did things differently and with more intention? I thought about the actions I could have taken and how that would have changed the outcome:

  • Take the race seriously – This would have been a great starting point… I would have known that I signed up for a 5-miler, not a 5K!
  • Follow a training plan – I could have easily googled and followed a formal 5-miler training plan
  • Time myself along the way – I didn’t set a timer at the beginning of the race so I had no real gauge of how fast I was running. This would have been helpful for motivation along the way.
  • Get to the race earlier – Arriving earlier would have allowed me to get to the front of the line. Unfortunately, since I forgot my headphones and went back home, I arrived just before the race started.
  • Pace myself with more serious runners – I’m assuming the more serious runners were at the front of the pack.  I could have paced myself with them. I definitely saw people walking and running back in the opposite direction as I was finishing up the last two miles of the race.
  • Train outside – I only ran on a treadmill. Running outside could have helped me get a better sense of my pace when I’m not on a treadmill and my strides are less restricted.
  • Dress better – I didn’t want to be cold so I layered up.  I could have given myself more flexibility with this, especially to remove layers as needed.
  • Preview the course – I had no sense of what the course would be like.  So I didn’t expect the incline after the first mile. Getting familiar with the course in advance and practicing on an incline would have helped.

Have you had to do something that you didn’t believe was possible? How did you overcome this? Do you still struggle with having the right mindset and believing you can achieve anything you want? I’d love to hear your story below!

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Be-Do-Have: A Simple Process To Design The Life You Want

No one likes rules and being told what to do. So when society imposes how things should be in life, we resist. One expected life path is to get a good education, get a good job, buy a house, have a family and live happily ever after.

You don’t have to subscribe to this. Instead, you can make your own choices, take responsibility for your life and design it as you wish.

You can make your own choices, take responsibility for your life and design it as you wish.

If you were to design your life and future, how would you do it? What would your ideal life look like? What things would you include? What would you exclude?

This is an overwhelming decision and you can get stuck here. When you have all the choices in the world, it is harder to make one.  For example, there is little to debate about when you have one shirt in your closet but when you have fifteen to choose from, the process is more complicated. When presented with too many choices, instead of making one and following through with the relevant actions, you make no choice and remain stagnant. This is frustrating.

How can you overcome this?

One approach I’ve learned is Be-Do-Have.

You may think that you need to first “have” certain things (money, love, experience, time, etc.) in order to “do” something meaningful (pursue your dreams, start a business, travel the world, foster a relationship etc.) which will then allow you to “be” what you want to be in life (happy, fulfilled, successful, in love, etc.).  However, the Be-Do-Have approach tells us this works the other way around.

First you have to “be” what you want (loving, kind, open, successful etc.), then you “do” things from that place of being and then you’ll see that what you are doing will bring you the things you’ve always wanted to “have.”
This way of approaching the process allows you to work with the creative power of the universe. It is powerful and life-changing when you get it and practice it. This process simplifies the journey to make our dreams and goals a reality.  Your current circumstance is a product of your past thinking. You can take responsibility of this and change your future and life by changing your thinking.

And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. — Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Why does this work?

Think of someone you know who wants more money, time, flexibility, love, etc. to be happy.  On the other hand, someone who is happy right now has all the money, time, flexibility and love to last a lifetime. You can discover that you have everything you need to “be happy” by “being happy” right now.  Deciding what you choose to be in advance creates that in your experiences. Start by acting like you are what you want to be and you will become that. However your actions need to be aligned so what you “do” is important.

Remember that you have the power to experience any state of being at any time, not just when things to work out perfectly or after you achieve certain things. Attaching your fulfillment or other desired state of being to a specific goal, dream or achievement can set you up for disappointment, failure and pain.

Who you are and how you’re “being” creates the context for how you feel, think and act, which are key components of how you create your reality. The process to living the life you want doesn’t have to be that of suffering and struggle. Instead, you can focus your efforts to get abundant results.  Remember that happiness is a choice. It isn’t a chase.

Happiness is a state of mind. And like all states of mind, it reproduces itself in physical form. — Neale Donald Walsch

Here are some reminders of how to take the process of creating the life you want into your own hands:
  • Think of what you want to “have” in life. What are your key goals or dreams? What do you want to achieve?
  • How would you “be” if you had those things? Happy? Joyful? Fulfilled? Free?
  • Start to embody that state of being that you imagine will come from obtaining these goals, dreams and achievements. Start “being” happy as if you’ve already accomplished your goals.
  • From this state of being, think and talk about the actions you need to take.  Take these actions.

“Begin with the end in mind. Start with the end outcome and work backwards to make your dream possible.” — Wayne W. Dyer

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Do you spend a lot of time thinking about your current circumstance? Do you think back on the decisions you made and how they led to where you are today?  Do you have a hard time thinking about next steps to make changes and end up taking no action? I’d love for you to try the Be-Do-Have approach and hear how it works for you!

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You Agree To Be Narrowly Defined By The Outside World

You live in a world that expects you to make a choice about who you will be. For many, this happens at age 18 with the decision about what to study in college.  Your decision narrows the schools you apply to.  For example, if you plan to study Economics, you wouldn’t apply to a Performing Arts school.  Your decision also dictates the courses you take to satisfy graduation requirements. After college, you apply to jobs that fit what you studied. In your career, you hone in your focus with time and as you ascend the career ladder.  You become a specialist and expert in your chosen field.

Let’s assume you’re on our way to become an expert in a given field. In Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell notes that in order to become world-class in any field, you need 10,000 hours of “deliberate practice.”  If this is true, then presumably you have little time to do anything else.  So you become a one-trick pony with tunnel vision and no other interests.

Society crafted this approach and set expectations a long time ago.  And you’ve obliged and followed along.  Let’s look at a few scenarios:

Job Applications.  When you apply for a job, how much do you tailor your resume and story to align with the job description? People squeeze themselves and their experiences into exactly what the requirements describe.  You become a surgeon overnight, making cosmetic and reconstructive changes.  You transplant wording from the job description to your resume.  You present yourself as if, for your entire life, you’ve longed to be a Regional Account Manager at this particular company or an Executive Assistant providing administrative support to the CEO.  All of your experience is crafted to support this story on your newly updated resume.

LinkedIn Headlines.  Before someone learns anything about you on LinkedIn, they see your photo, name and headline.  Most of the headlines I see on LinkedIn have one thing in common – they include the person’s job title.  If you’re one of these LinkedIn users, you’re introduced by what you do.  Further, you’re defined by a job title that your employer has a current need and role for.  This only gives insight into what you do.  It tells me what you’re currently an expert in or what you’re on your way to being an expert in.

Here are some examples from scrolling through LinkedIn profiles:

So what do we see in both of these scenarios?

In the job applications scenario, it is clear that society has defined molds and you’ve been trained to fit into them.  You’ve prescribed to this expectation and go out of your way to tailor yourself to fit more snugly into these molds.

In the LinkedIn headlines scenario, you define yourself by your employer’s current need.  You eagerly take on this definition and apply it to who you are. You then present yourself to the world this way. When you change jobs, you switch out who you are like seasonal clothing.

How do you allow who you are to be defined by what you do? How true and authentic is this? Further, how sustainable is it? What happens if your employer no longer has a need for your role?  If who you are is defined by your job title at your current employer, then are you a different person once you have a new title at a new employer?

According to your LinkedIn profile, you have a new job and today you are:

Yesterday you were:

Are you OK allowing yourself to be narrowly defined by the outside world?  What about the other aspects of you, aside from what you do? Why don’t you make it a priority to highlight your multiple interests and dynamic being?

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I look forward to continuing to explore this topic. I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Do you feel defined by your current role and title? Do you think this definition is fitting for who you are? Does who you work for give you a sense of self?

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